Here is a conversation I had with my friend recently.
Me: This month has sucked. I feel like I suck at life.
Friend: You are awesome. Don’t feel that way. What’s wrong?
Me: I can’t support myself without help from my parents. I can’t afford to move out on my own until next year. I had fifteen job interviews and they all said I don’t have enough f*cking “experience.” And I am so frustrated that my writing is suffering.
Friend: That’s our whole generation. No one is doing good on any of those things right now.
Me: Hmpf…. Yeah. But solidarity doesn’t make me feel better.
That pretty much explains my whole mind set right now. NaNoWriMo has been a bust. Not because I am not working. I was doing okay. Was even ahead with my word count. But then it went completely array because the story I was working on…well, it didn’t suck. But my heart was not in it.
And then I ask myself should I put both “Elder Origins” and “Violet Blake” on the back burner? Because my heart is totally into this other story I started months ago and it won’t leave me alone. It is BEGGING to be worked on. Literally begging. But if I don’t get to writing the other books on EO and VB (my code names) then the readership will drop. But that’s not a big deal because the readership isn’t huge by any means. And no one will notice if I just disappear for a while. But if I don’t continue what I started then I am a quitter, and no one likes a quitter. And what if I never end up going to to those series at all. Then they are out there on the internet machine…unfinished…and I am a loser for not finishing what I started. And if I end up with something good, everyone will wonder why my old series are unfinished. And the KBoards say that unfinished series are the kiss of death. But that doesn’t matter anyway because the only books really selling right now are the ones under my other pen name. And I need to work on more of those. But then the really cool idea will be neglected. And then I am over 10,000 words behind on NaNoWriMo if I start over. And my personal life sucks right now. And I am stressed out. And I need to have dental surgery this week. And my front teeth are going to look like shit until my veneers come in. And what if they didn’t get my message that I want the canines too and not just the front four teeth…my teeth will forever look uneven. And I have to take my mom to physical therapy twice a week. And my martial trainer wants me to test next month. And I need to go Christmas shopping.
This has been a rant. Or rather mental throw up.
Here is a wild thought! I am not going to go onto the KBoards for at least a week. Maybe even a month. Because I think they have done more harm than good recently. Everyone says “do this” or “do that” otherwise your books won’t sell. And I miss writing when it didn’t matter if no one read my work.
And no more looking at my daily sales. Not because the books aren’t doing well. But because the unnecessary pressure is giving me the brain drain.